


Screaming Hunger

by Kisafander



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Blood, Multi, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-07 10:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 18,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21456721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kisafander/pseuds/Kisafander
Summary: Preface: This is a posting of a work already finished on Tumblr on here, will be slowly posting it here, but if you want to read it in it's entirety on Tumblr before it is done here I cannot stop you from doing so. Also, throughout this work I challenged myself to try not to use 'the' in the entire fic.Blog is @katelynn-a-fanVirgil has a secret he has told no one and he is slowly fading away because if he tells them he knows that will seal his fate.
Relationships: DR. LAMP (Every side)
Comments: 97
Kudos: 216





	1. Chapter 1

Virgil wasn’t ready for this, though to be honest, he was never ready for anything.

Remus had gotten on his nerves, even if they were only filming a video for Thomas’s channel. He was so much like Roman in all his wrong ways, but it wasn’t his fault. But it also wasn’t Thomas’s either, not intentionally at least. Roman’s idea to reveal his brother in this video and reveal him as only thoughts in Thomas’s head did seem to pacify Remus from pestering them, however.

But what stuck with him was his confession to Thomas on being a Dark Side, it was hitting too close to home to scenarios he feared in reaction to a different secret.

As if on cue, his stomach growled a low rumble. Opening his eyes from where he was sitting against his wall he surveyed his room. His room was dim, not dark like Deceit’s or Remus’s but dimmer than his Light Side hallway mates. In semi-darkness he could see better than anyone who entered meaning to do him harm, giving him time to escape.

Or to make sure no one sees your worthless body wasting away. His ‘helpful’ destructive thoughts suggested (He called them Not Him).

You and I both know Patton would be heartbroken to see me like that. He retorted. Not Him would be somewhere in his room, a shadow lurking in semi-darkness. Virgil couldn’t see him but he knew he was there.

_But he would be even more heartbroken to know you’ve been lying to him ever since you met him, even then you knew-_

“SHUT UP!” Virgil shouted with his double voice as he took off his hoodie in one fell swoop and threw it in whatever direction would shut Not Him up.

Mere moments after his words left his mouth he knew that he had fucked up. Virgil knew he hadn’t flipped his room’s soundproofing switch.

“Virgil, are you alright? Do you need rescuing from a foe yet unseen by our eyes?” Roman exclaims behind Virgil’s door while knocking like he was in a movie.

Always a dramatist. Virgil rolled his eyes.“No, I was just playing a game on my phone and this one character kept having long cutscenes with unskippable dialogue and I was getting tired of it so got frustrated.”

“Well I’m coming in anyway to check so you will not fear anything lurking in your room in case there is a foe hiding somehwere” Roman exclaimed.

As his door opened Virgil remebered he threw his hoodie off and bolted to his hoodie and threw it on as fast as he could. He couldn’t let Roman find out, How could he have been so stupid?

_Ah, taking up my job, I see. Well, less work for me. Not Him replied unbidden._

_Be quiet._

Virgil turned to Roman as his door was fully open and Roman was revealed with his sword ready and glinting in brightness that blinded Virgil as his eyes adjusted. _Please tell me he didn’t see. God, I hope he didn’t see._

——————————————————————————————-

Roman entered Virgil’s room, unfazed by Virgil’s heightened nervousness as he adjusted his hoodie and put his hood over his head and squinted as his eyes adjusted to a brighter light. He’s probably going to be scared of what could be under his own bed now that you have mentioned it, great going Roman!

“Unseen foe, if you are there and do not come out now I will hunt you down and slay you for trying to hurt my Emo nightmare!” Roman announced. He couldn’t help but enjoy his dramatics, but was doing this to ease something in his mind that told him something was wrong. _But what?_

Roman could feel Virgil rolling his eyes at Roman’s names and reference to one of Virgil’s nicknames in Thomas’s videos. Roman pressed on, scanning Virgil’s room for shadowy figures while approaching Virgil’s bed.

“Roman, I’m fine! It was just a game and I got frustrated.” Vigil declared.

“I beg to differ! I doubt you would use your double voice for something so benign like that, there has to be something you’ve been picking up on under your bed.”

Roman approached Virgil’s bed and crouched down to peer under Virgil’s bed into a pit of despair that resided in a darkness under Virgil’s bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil not doing too good.

Nothing. 

Nothing was under Virgil’s bed. Why had Roman got Virgil so worked up?

_Because something’s wrong._ _Why can’t I place it?_

_“_Well, it seems there is no foe residing under your bed, so I shall take my leave. If a foe does pop up, yell for me Virgil and I will dispatch it with fury of a thousand suns!” Roman practically sang as he left with his own personal flair.

As Virgil’s door closed behind him, Roman sheathed his sword and put his back against a wall. 

_Why did I do that, I didn’t even ask him if he was fine! But I can’t go back now!_

_No, if something’s wrong, Virgil would tell us. I think it was just a misplacement of concern about him being hurt, yeah that’s it!_

Roman sighed and slowed his breathing from his concern for Virgil with Virgil’s 4-7-8 exercise.

As Roman left, he reassured himself. _Virgil’s fine, it’s not like Thomas’s video’s where Deceit and his brother are out to get us. What could go wrong?_

——————————————————————————————-

Everything.

Roman had almost seen everything. How could he have been so careless?

_Because you’re a waste of a side who won’t tell your ‘friends’ your little secret because you want to ‘protect them’. Hah! We both know that’s a pile of horse shit!_

_Can it! I don’t want to make a mistake like that again._

_Suit yourself, but you know it’ll come out sooner or later and when they leave you for lying to them for so long, I’ll be here. Waiting._

Virgil snapped back to reality, realizing Roman had left without a second glance at Virgil after his declaration to protect him. He didn’t need Not Him to tell him that that wasn’t like Roman and that maybe he hated him now that he yelled over nothing but a game.

Old fears started to creep up, from before he had been called upon to act in Thomas’s videos. Seeing at how they all could act so well, he feared back then that they had just been acting when they said they loved him. Not helped by Thomas’s videos wherein he was treated like a nuisance for a while. 

Virgil shook his head. All Virgil knew right now is that it was his job to protect Thomas from dangerous things.

_Only problem is, I’m too afraid to protect myself from wasting away because of my own fears about myself._

Virgil decided to honor his stomach’s request that had started this whole shebang and opened his door to go down and eat with his friends… that’s probably why Roman was close enough to hear him yell. Roman was coming to tell him dinner was ready.

_Hopefully I can come back up with a full stomach this time. But there’s no guarantee, I’ll just have to pretend like I always do._

That his stomach wasn’t demanding more no matter how much he ate and that stopping it was as easy as blinking for his friends. But he wouldn’t turn their love and affection into a necessity, love is a choice, not an obligation.

He went through his doorway hopeful for a fuller belly tonight.

Maybe tonight Fate would be gracious enough to help him not starve this time.

Maybe things wouldn’t get worse before they got better.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is hungry

Logan sensed Virgil was coming down and piled a plate with Patton’s spaghetti and placed it where Virgil always sat in preparation for his arrival. Patton was looking in their fridge for a drink for Virgil.

As always, he heard light footsteps plodding down as if making too loud a sound would spell danger and discovery.

“Glad to see you came down, I haven’t seen you since breakfast. You cannot skip meals so often. Getting proper nutrients is a path to healthy body.” Logan said while washing his plate as he had already finished eating.

Logan looked up at Virgil and Virgil was moving a little slower than usual towards his seat, and Logan noticed that Virgil was slightly more pale. And _gaunt?_

Logan made a note to ask Virgil if he wants seconds.

Patton seemed to pick up Virgil’s sluggishness as well and very gently went over to Virgil. “Logan’s right, you look like you needed to have come down for lunch. Are you okay?”

Virgil looked up at Patton with a small smile “I’m fine, I didn’t feel hungry then, but I’m hungry now. Okay?”

Logan doubted that, but knew that he knew very little about processing emotions, so if Virgil was processing his emotions and wanted to be thorough enough, Logan would let him, but now he would not accept any less than 2 plates of spaghetti going into Virgil’s mouth due to how pale he was. _Gaunt._

“Okay bud, but make sure you don’t do it againuntil your healthy okay?” Patton said with a nugget of concern and very lightly patted Virgil’s left shoulder.

——————————————–

Virgil was so hungry.

Going down he saw Logan walking back to Thomas’s Kitchen with a dirty plate and saw a spaghetti filled plate at his normal spot.

Virgil heard Logan tell him about not skipping meals and Virgil nodded and went to his usual place and sat down to begin to eat.

“Logan’s right, you look like you needed to have come down for lunch. Are you okay?”

Virgil looked up at Patton with a small smile he hoped was convincing. “I’m fine, I didn’t feel hungry then, but I’m hungry now. Okay?”

“Okay bud, but make sure you don’t do it again until your healthy okay?” Patton said while rising and Virgil felt Patton’s warm hand pat his shoulder.

_So warm, why’d you have to stop? _Virgil pleaded in his mind.

Virgil hid his desire for more by picking up his fork and preventing him from saying anything.

Once he had finished that plate he started to get up to wash his plate when he saw Logan coming with another serving. _Why do you have to care so much? Another plate won’t satisfy my empty stomach, but you don’t know that._

Instead Virgil said “Thank you, Logan. Hey, where’s Roman?”

Logan looked toward where Virgil had come from, shifting his glasses as is his habit. “Roman took his plate up into his room, he said something about coming up with an idea for a new video, though he didn’t specify.”

“Okay, can’t wait to hear about his next grand adventure in what we call life.” Virgil said with enough sarcasm to indicate it was meant as a joke and not a serious assessment.

_Stupid!_

_Virgil you dunce! Your lame excuse of a game frustrating you so much has made Roman not even want to eat around you anymore._

Instead of folding into his desire to go immediately to check up on Roman, Virgil continued to eat like he wasn’t tearing himself apart.

Mentally and physically.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil is done eating.

Roman was not very hungry.

He had eaten lunch easily enough, but after his interaction with Virgil, he was still upset with himself after not feeling right about Virgil’s reason for yelling.

Though, Roman didn’t lie about having an idea for a new video, Sander Sides to be exact.

He wanted to make it up to Virgil, his plan for Thomas’s next video would of course stem from Virgil’s confession and its aftermath. Roman would make sure it would have a happy ending and maybe even spark some new inside jokes that him and Virgil _(as well as Pat and Lo)_ could use around each other to feel more connected.

_I hope he forgives me for my lack of communication with him. And after that I hope I can forgive myself for how much I didn’t say even though we are family._

Roman shook off his downtrodden musings and focused on making this good video for Virgil and for himself as forced himself to eat his cold spaghetti.

—————————–

Virgil was finishing up his second plate when Patton came back from Thomas’s kitchen with a water bottle in his hand.

“Hey, kiddo, totally forgot I was getting this for you. And if you need to, you can grab as many snacks as you can from our pantry as long as you leave some for us.” Patton winked at Virgil while handing Virgil the water bottle.

“Thanks, Pat. Could you take my plate since your going back into our kitchen if it’s not to much to ask?” Virgil mumbled while averting his eyes and grabbing the bottle.

_So close._

“No prob, Bob.” Patton beamed as he grabbed Virgil’s plate and turned to go back into Thomas’s kitchen.

_I can’t stay, or I’ll do something I’ll regret._

“Hey Lo, would you mind sliding me a box of protein bars… yah know… for my health?” Virgil stood while scratched his head awkwardly as he tried not to sound distressed or perturbed.

“Virgil, I would be happy to.” Logan said as he slid one already on their kitchen counter to where Virgil stood.

“Thanks, Pocket Protector. I’m going to head up now.”

_Please reach out, I'm right here and I want it so badly!_

“Make sure you get an adequate amount of rest to be ready for breakfast to maintain a healthy lifestyle.” Logan advised as Virgil (defeated) picked up Protein Box_™ _with a little bit of difficulty despite it’s small size that he hoped would go unnoticed by Logan.

“Will do, G’night Lo.” 

————————-

Logan and Patton both felt better now that Virgil had eaten 2 servings of spaghetti instead of his usual one serving tonight.

Both of them did not know how Virgil got so thin so rapidly, but since Virgil was taking their advice seriously and even took a box of Protein Bars™ at Patton’s suggestion, they felt better. 

As Virgil ascended, they knew that Virgil was being taken care of.

After all, Virgil couldn’t get any thinner if he was eating properly.

Right?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's not doing well.

Wrong.

Virgil was wrong, he had hoped he could’ve not come back up to his room hungry. But at least he came back just as hungry as before instead of worse?

_How much longer until I break? Until I can’t stop myself from demanding what I need even though that will ruin everything and then I’ll actually die because then their love won’t be genuine anymore._

Virgil’s stomach sounded, joining with Virgil’s swirling thoughts.

Virgil needed a release from tonight, or he’d hurt himself enough to last.

Virgil shot up from his bed and scrambled for his bedside table, a secret hidden drawer that he’d created waiting for him. He opened it and pulled out its contents and selected a razor blade he knew was clean. 

Left hoodie sleeve up.

Virgil was in control, he was in control of his own pain and he would prove it.

Slice.

Slice.

Slice.

Slice.

Slice.

Left sleeve down

Pain. Virgil was in pain, yes, but now he was in control of what pain he felt and it satisfied him for this moment.

Hopefully it could stay that wa-

“Hello, Virgil.” A voice behind Virgil startled him and he whipped around to determine if he would have to run.

A familiar figure sat on his bed, turning his upper torso to face Virgil.

“Oh, hey Deceit. What you doing here?”

_Please say he didn’t see! Please!_

“You know exactly why I’m here, though I am impressed that you’ve been able to hide why from me of all Sides!”

_Okay, seems like he didn’t._

Deceit seemed to be impressed as usual but also Virgil hated that he could always know when he was lying, even if he didn’t know everything.

“You know I can’t tell you Deceit, what has changed to make you think I would tell you now?” Virgil snarled while cursing inwardly at how easy it could be to tell Deceit everything, but he knew that would lead to others knowing and he was trying to keep everything how it’s been.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because you’ve been eating less, and you’re clearly stressed more than the norm about something and I can feel your impulse to reveal truth to them.”

“Leave, Dee. I don’t want to talk anymore.” Virgil said through gritted teeth.

“Okay, Virgil. I know you mean it.”

Deceit pauses a moment and turns around to fully face Virgil

“Take care of yourself, V. I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of this little secret.”

“Get out, now!” Virgil knew using his double voice this time would spell disaster, so he leveled his voice to loud enough to signal he was serious.

In a flash, Deceit disappeared as quickly as he appeared.

_Why does he always have to know if I’m lying? It would be so much easier to act like everything’s okay if Deceit was not such a lie detector._

Virgil winced as his stomach pain grew stronger, reminding him how hopeless eating dinner was. If anything got better from Patton’s touch, it was a very small improvement to the gnawing in his stomach.

_Be optimistic! Be grateful that Patton still wants to touch you!_

A whisper of a voice implied _That Patton still wants to touch your worthless husk of a body._

Virgil wasn’t even sure if that was Not Him, but in any case, he didn’t want to disappoint Logan and Pat. He blearily looked at his alarm clock, 10:40pm.

He had been moaning over his stomach for 2 hours?

No, Virgil couldn’t think about that right now.

Virgil climbed under his covers and hoped he would get as much sleep as his hunger-wracked body could give him.

_Please, for my friends._

_Please….._


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil doesn't get a good night's rest.

_No. There’s blood. There was blood everywhere._

_It was all leaking out of Virgil’s body. Out of every orifice came a constant flow of blood._

_He knew he had done this, that he’d held on to it for too long, and now he’s dying._

_Virgil couldn’t see or hear very well over the blood leaking out, but he could sense multiple presences above him._

_Garbled came their words. “Gross.” Roman._

_“Disgusting” Logan.  
_

_“I don’t even want to touch him.” Patton.  
_

_“Tainted” Remus.  
_

“_Liar.” Deceit._

_His friends. His friends hated him. How could they not, he was just a mess of blood and bones, and who could love that? They left._

_No one._

_He was alone and dying with no one who cared._

_“Except for me, but only because I was right.” The all too familiar whisper of Not Him sounded clear even though his ears were full of blood.  
_

_“You know this will happen, and you know you’ll be alone when it does, right? Just as worthless as before you appeared. You are nothing. You are worth nothing, to me and to them.”_

_Then, blood flow from him increased tenfold and Virgil cried out the best he could with the blood in his mouth as he was consumed by pain from every part of his body._

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

Virgil woke up with a groan as his stomach was searing with pain, waking him up from his nightmare. He scanned his room.

_A nightmare. It was just a nightmare, calm down. Not Him isn’t here._

Virgil sighed exasperated as best he could through his stomach pain.

_I guess I never said that he couldn’t pop up in dreams. Typical._

Virgil looked at the time, 3:56am.

Virgil sighed again.

_Great, after a nightmare like that, I doubt I could get to sleep and if I did Not Him will just do something worse._

Virgil got an idea.

_I’ll go downstairs, no one’s there and Not Him will have much less of an influence on me if I’m not in my room._

Virgil knew this was going to be dangerous, because he knew going down there would risk revealing his secret, but he knew Not Him would make sure he would suffer every second he slept in his room.

Pulling on his hoodie, he grabbed a blanket and his pillow for extra comfort or at least so they wouldn’t worry.

_If they would even care._

Virgil thought back to Not Him’s vision while opening his door, how genuine everyone was about hating them. Would they hate him if they knew his secret, would they not care if Virgil died? Would a better Anxiety take his place? An anxiety that isn’t broken and needy for touch and affection?

Virgil was in front of Thomas’s couch. He had gotten so distracted by his thoughts that when he realized where he was, for a second he forgot about why he was there.

Virgil shook his head.

_No, even if they don’t love me, I love them. And that has to count for something._

Virgil placed the pillow at one end of Thomas’s couch and laid down on his pillow and unfurled his blanket on top of himself.

_I’m safe here, even if I can’t fix how hungry I am, I can control how much I dwell on my fears by not amplifying it with my room._

Virgil shifted into a comfortable position and ignored his hunger pain that he knew was a little stronger every hour he wasn’t touched. His fucking touch starvation bullshit.

But for a first time in ages, Virgil slowly relaxed into a peaceful oblivion.

_I need to sleep more down here, it’s nice._

_It’s nice…. to… be… loved…_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton and Roman have a good morning.

Patton is always up first every day.

He’s always so excited to listen to sounds of his friends waking up and having a hearty breakfast hot and ready for them.

Patton got up and put on his usual outfit, switching that with his cat onesie. _What should I cook this morning? Oh, I know, chocolate chip pancakes and I’ll add some protein to Virgil’s so he can feel better and fuller._

Patton is fully dressed now, he opens his door and descends down to their living room.

Something’s different.

There was mass on their couch, a blanket and pillow seen as well as a tuft of hair that Patton recognized as-

_Virgil?_

Patton jolted a little with concern for Virgil. _Why would Virgil sleep on their couch, was he hurt or stressed about something?_

Patton bit back his desire to go and comfort Virgil because he knew that would make his dark, strange son wake up and Patton knew Logan would not be happy if he purposefully disturbed Virgil’s process towards a healthy body.

Instead, Patton lightly tiptoed over to Virgil and placed a light kiss on Virgil’s forehead, hopeful that Virgil wouldn’t wake up.

Virgil stirred slightly at his contact, emitting a small sound at being disturbed, but ultimately seemed to stay sound asleep.

_Whew, that was close._

Patton was struck with an ingenious idea and conjured a sign that said: _Quiet! A dark, strange son is getting their beauty rest! Proceed with caution and quietness! And that means you Jim Handsome! _This sign would be visible to anyone descending into their living room, Roman would hopefully see it before being too loud.

Patton smiled and carefully conjured up a layer of one sided soundproofing magic between Thomas’s kitchen and Virgil’s resting place so Patton could proceed with making breakfast without worrying about waking Virgil while being able to hear any sound coming from upstairs or his bat-winged cherub.

Patton then confidently went along making breakfast for his friends.

——————

Roman had been up till his eyes were drooping with sleep making a perfect video idea.He had a somewhat restless sleep thinking about how he should make up to Virgil face to face.

But Roman could not dwell on hypotheticals forever, in fact if he talked candidly and organically with Virgil he knew that Virgil would understand.

He awoke, still somewhat drowsy from getting less sleep than his usual.

Roman slipped into his outfit and looked in his mirror, fixing his hair to perfection as was his norm.

Roman wanted everything to be okay, and he was going to make sure it was even if he had to stay up more to make it so.

Roman smelled Patton’s cooking and knew it was time to descend to a lovingly made Together Breakfast.

Roman opened his door and stepped out into their hall to greet a new day with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

Today is another day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil wakes up.

Roman descend down their stairs and halfway down he noticed Patton’s sign and looked over to their couch saw a silhouette of Virgil tucked under his blanket and head nestled on his pillow. Virgil shifted a little while making a small noise. 

_Patton and his nicknames._

He slowed his descent down to be as quiet as possible to not wake Virgil before slipping past Patton’s soundproofing magic wall. “-ey Roman! I’m making chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for breakfast!” Patton gushed.

“Great! Just enough like desert that we can pretend we’re treating ourselves to something special and just enough like breakfast that we’re reminded a day is just starting.” Roman replied.

Logan grunted at Roman’s declaration. Logan had come down as well, and as is customary, was drinking his morning coffee. (Never try to talk to Logan before he’s had his morning coffee).

“Should we wake Virgil? He’ll probably want to have hot and ready pancakes rather than cold ones.” Roman was unsure if letting Virgil get more or less sleep would be better for him at this time of morning.

“If you want to kiddo, he seems to have slept well and long, so I think it would be okay.” Patton smiled.

—————-

_Cold. Virgil was so cold._

_His stomach felt like a endless abyss of pain, but Virgil could barely move because he was so cold._

_Pain numbed cold. Cold numbed pain. He felt both and neither simultaneously._

After who knows how long, Virgil finally sensed a little warmth. He wanted it. He wanted it so bad.

Virgil stirred and parted his eyelids a crack to see Roman crouching down and placing his right hand on top of his blanket around Virgil’s stomach, right where it need to be to temporarily quell his hunger while it was there.

An explosion of warmth landed on his stomach, enough to cut back some of the cold he felt, but not all of it. Virgil opened his eyes to gaze at Roman.

“Rise and shine, Hot Topic. Patton’s made chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for breakfast.” Roman gently invited while offering Virgil to take his left hand to help Virgil up. Virgil vaguely noticed that there was a wall of soundproofing magic between them and their kitchen.

_Yes! Yes! YES! _He needed this and Roman was offering it out love for Virgil!

Virgil could barely contain his actions and rising desire as he reached out his hand to take Roman’s. 

An explosion of warmth exploded down his hand into other parts of his body. Virgil choked down an exclamation of pure joy from his reprieve from his hunger.

Once Virgil was upright and standing, Roman’s expression changed to an expression of deep concern. “Virgil your hands are so cold and you’re thinner than usual! Have you been eating enough?” Roman removed his hands from Virgil not out of disgust, but out of what Virgil knew was pure shock, but again and even still old fears threatened themselves.

_More. I just want more, why couldn’t you hold on longer? Do you _not _love me?_

Virgil winced minutely as Roman pulled away and burst out with his remark much louder than his first invitation was. 

“I’m fine Romano. I’ve skipped some meals this past week because I haven’t felt hungry. Patton and Logan have already stressed to me I need to take better care of myself when I was at dinner last night, so don’t worry. Also, I guess my blanket was not enough to warm me up sleeping on our couch.” Virgil reassured Roman with as much smile as he could muster. Desire was creeping around in his gut, but he ignored it.

Roman looked slightly relieved, but still looked concerned for Virgil. “Ok Pop-star, at least you got your beauty rest.”

Virgil put up his hoodie’s hood up as Roman turned around to proceed to his breakfast.

Maybe today would be a good day, after all, what could go wrong if he had choco chip pancakes and love?


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has to eat breakfast.

As Vigil passed their stairs, he saw that Patton had placed a sign at its base to warn of him sleeping below. He turned to their kitchen and saw someone’s soundproofing magic had disappeared during his interrogation by Roman. He could see Patton glancing at him while finishing up cooking for them.

“Aww Padre, you didn’t have to make a sign for me. I would’ve been fine if you had woken me up when you came down.” Virgil simpered under Patton’s loving gaze and embarrassment from being found sleeping on their couch.

“Nonsense, you said it yourself, we want you to be healthy and happy. And nothing solves that like choco chip pancakes and a restful sleep!” Patton gushed while sliding Virgil’s plate into place.

“Actually Virgil, I forgot to ask initially, why did you sleep downstairs on our couch? You don’t seem a Side that would pass up a comfy bed for a mere couch.” Roman asked perplexedly looking at Virgil from his seat.

_Shit! I knew they would ask, but why has it caught me so off guard?_

“Um, it’s nothing, I just had an unpleasant dream and knew staying in my room would make it worse if I continued sleeping in my room that amplifies anxieties.”

“Virge, that’s called a nightmare! Are you okay bud?” Patton gasped.

“I’m okay, Pat. After all, a dream isn’t really real remember?” Virgil smirked minutely towards Patton.

“I know, Kylo Friend. But let us know if they get too distressing for you, okay?”

“Yes, my storm cloud, you can tell us if something is wrong and we are all more than happy to help.” Roman stood and gestured wildly while declaring this.

Surprisingly, Logan said shortly from behind Roman, “Roman’s right, we’re here if you need us,” before going back to his coffee. It was truly something to hear Logan speak before he’s even finished his coffee. Patton, Roman and Virgil all spun to look at Logan with varying levels of surprise.

_I don’t deserve all this gentleness and love. Hell, Logan loves you enough to interrupt his morning coffee, but you can’t tell him your basic need for your friends touch? How selfish are you?_

Virgil hesitantly said _“_Thank you, Lo.”

Logan only pointed to Virgil’s pancakes with a raised eyebrow with an expression that meant: E_at your pancakes now, they’re getting cold and you need to eat._

Virgil complied and sat down at his usual place, he noticed that his pancakes were thicker than Roman’s and he had 3 slices of bacon vs. Roman’s 2.

_Aww, Pat. I wish these pancakes being thicker or having more bacon would contribute to bringing down my hunger, but it isn’t true. _

_I love you too, Padre. Even if it’s all for naught._

Virgil scarfed down his choco chip pancakes and bacon, hoping he looked like he was being filled by his meal. Unfortunately, Roman’s caresses had done little to take away all Virgil’s pain, but he wasn’t about to tell Roman that.

————–

Roman was happier eating his pancakes than when he first felt Virgil’s hands.

Virgil’s hands were so cold, his hands felt like ice cubes. He was so much thinner than last time Roman saw him.

_Maybe you would’ve noticed it before if you had actually looked at Virgil when you went into his room trying to ‘protect’ him and if you hadn’t avoided him at dinner? You’re such a clueless moron._

Roman pushed down those thoughts with another mouthful of choco chip pancake.

At least, Virgil seemed to be better, able to eat his slightly larger serving of choco chip pancakes and bacon. Roman inwardly applauded Patton for providing for Virgil’s needs without being asked or it being suggested by him or Logan.

Once Virgil was done eating, he passed his plate across their kitchen counter to Patton. Patton, _the sly devil_, slipped another piece of bacon into Virgil’s hand and they traded off, plate for bacon.

Virgil faltered, looking surprised at a new piece of bacon in his hand. This time, Virgil only nodded and took a small bite in front of Patton before sauntering over to their stairs and ascending while nibbling at his piece.

Once Virgil was upstairs and they heard Virgil’s door shut, Roman thanked Patton for giving Virgil a larger serving.

“I’m concerned for him.” Roman stated while furrowing his eyebrows.

“And, I added some protein in Virgil’s batter to make him feel fuller and not too hungry.”

“Just don’t put too much or he’ll want to skip lunch again.”

“Don’t worry, I know how to care for my precious shadowing.”

Roman hoped so because how could Virgil have gotten so thin without anyone ever noticing?

Well, Roman was going to find out soon, but not in any way that was going to be easy or fun.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This morning is looking up.

Virgil was conflicted. Roman had given him a little reprieve, but his hunger was only back to the point it was at yesterday. Not enough.

_Of course Patton would slip me more bacon, and Logan! How much he must care to give such comfort to me so early in a day when he is not a morning person and usually doesn’t talk until an hour after breakfast? And do I deserve that? Do I even deserve to be fed by their loving touches? Would a new anxiety be better for Thomas and Virgil’s friends, one that isn’t so utterly needy of their love?_

Virgil hated this, he even hated that Not Him wasn’t here even though Virgil had told him to be silent. Then, he would’ve had someone other than himself to blame for calling himself worthless. 

Hunger suddenly gripped Virgil as he lay on his bed where he had been ever since breakfast. He feared moving would make it worse, but it had nonetheless.

He didn’t want to go back down immediately, Virgil had to have a valid reason to. Deceit would pick up on his lies again if he continued to lie to his friends so outright.

Idea! Virgil had some books that he hadn’t read yet, all horror themed was his selection, of course. Stephen King was his go to, and he had not gotten to one of his more popular stories: _IT._

Fitting, Thomas had seen something about_ IT: Chapter Two_ coming out soon, so Virgil could read up on _IT _for if and/or when Thomas sees it. He would never spoil_ IT,_ but make sure Thomas didn’t become too distressed on Virgil’s part.

Though reading a book in front of others was a little out of his norm, he knew if he put on his headphones and listened to music or even the audiobook as well that this would be cause of little concern. 

Logan is one who openly read in front of everyone, but Virgil knew they wouldn’t mess with him if he seemed intent enough in reading it. And he was excited to explore dangerous situations and learn how to get out of them better.

Virgil peeled himself up from his bed as carefully as he could, his stomach was back to its game of making it hard to move or focus as well as before.

Virgil approached his small bookcase and haltingly bent down to grab his selection from his small library.

_IT_ was a very thick and long book, Virgil knew its weight would tire him even though it was less than a pound. He just hoped one of his friends might want to cuddle at some point, that would help.

Virgil paused before opening his door, knowing his strength needed to be exerted very sparingly if things didn’t pan out.

His door opened

Virgil exited slowly into a sudden, blinding light.

———-

Patton looked curiously at Logan. Roman had just left upstairs to his room and Logan had finished his coffee and seemed awake enough to conversate with Patton.

“Lo, you haven’t spoken this early in months. Are you still concerned about Virgil?” Patton questioned gently.

“He definitely seemed to have been perturbed by his so called ‘unpleasant dream’, though he downplayed how bad it probably was. I think he is correct that content in his dreams can be swayed by his room, but because has he not done this before suggests that it’s not completely what actually happened. Surely he would’ve done this sooner if that happened every night. I believe it is something else, but of what else I am not sure.” Logan articulated in what Patton could only determine was one breath. Impressive.

“I think I caught a little of that too. I think he didn’t want us to worry because he knows it’s not real and doesn’t reflect reality, but didn’t want us to know so he wouldn’t make us sad. He wants to worry for us so we don’t have feel his fear.”

Logan gazed off into space. Patton knew he was analyzing Virgil’s behavior to find any possible source. He slowly wrapped his arms around Logan in a hug, not trying to disturb Logan’s pensive musing, but enough to help comfort any concern for Virgil Logan had. Patton placed his head on Logans heart.

_Ba dum. Ba dum. Ba dum._

“Patton, you can let go now. I now have theory about why Virgil had his nightmares, or at least one reason that is most likely.” Logan sighed. Patton could hear Logan’s voice inside his chest as well as from his mouth.

“No, I like to listen to your heart, it’s nice.”

Logan sighed even more deeply while rolling his eyes a little “I think that his lack of proper nutrition has led him to worry about not eating enough, which his room could manifest into nightmares, reinforcing his anxiousness about it and adding to them. Also, counterintuitively, he may have connected eating with those nightmares and that made them worse. But that’s just off of information I have currently, but it fits everything we’ve seen so far.”

“But when we told him to eat healthy and he knew not doing so would worry us, he came down here while we were asleep so he could make sure he didn’t have them.” Patton gushed excitedly and looked up at Logan with a smile and puppy dog eyes as if to say: _Did I do good? Did I get it right? Are you proud of me?_

Logan imperceptibly blushed while looking down at Patton’s expectant expression and quickly adjusted his glasses while stating: “Yes, that is a likely possibility.”

They hugged in silence for while before Patton spoke up.

“When Virgil’s better and healthy, do you want to ask him what actually happened? I want him to be better before we open that can of worms.” Patton questioned while turning his ear back to hear Logan’s heartbeat.

“We do not own a can of worms, Pat.” Logan teased.

“And yes, I think Virgil would like us to respect his privacy until he’s in a better place- mindset.” Logan agreed with Patton.

“Hey, Lo?” Patton asked.

“Yes, sunshine?”

“I love you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil goes downstairs.

Virgil staggered back as a light brighter than their usual hallway’s lights blinded Virgil when he opened his door.

Virgil instinctively grabbed for his doorframe to steady himself while spots danced in his eyes. When they cleared, Virgil saw through his squinted eyes that Roman had left his door cracked open in a perfect angle to blind him.

_Princey, of course! _

Virgil shook his head with an exasperated soft chuckle.

_But it’s not that he did it on purpose, you can't blame him for not knowing. But still, classic Princey._

Virgil took a deep breath again and stood still for a moment, strength was still a finite resource for him. Slowly, Virgil approached Roman’s door and quietly closed it, making sure it made little to no sound to not alert Roman he was there.

As he finished closing it and let go of his hand on Roman’s doorknob, faint voices from Thomas’s kitchen registered in Virgil’s ears. Logan and Patton.

At first, Virgil couldn’t make out what they were saying, but they paused for a little until Patton spoke up and Virgil was close enough to understand. 

“When Virgil’s better and healthy, do you want to ask him what actually happened? I want him to be better before we open that can of worms.”

“We do not own a can of worms, Pat.” Logan sounded teasing?

“And yes, I think Virgil would like us to respect his privacy until he’s in a better place- mindset.” Logan agreed with Patton.

“Hey, Lo?” Patton asked, more muffled than before.

“Yes, sunshine?”

“I love you.”

Logan was silent and Virgil could barely hear Logan’s next words over his own pounding heartbeat.

“I know.”

_Do they know? No, they said they were going to ask when I’m ‘better’ but they’re still worried about me. I don’t want them to worry. It’s all my fault, if I wasn’t so worthless I would be able to do my job and not make them worry as much._

Virgil’s fingernails were digging into his forearms as he started spiraling in his thoughts.

_I’m nothing. They’re everything and I don’t deserve them. I should just die and then they’ll be happy. Someone who doesn't demand to be touched with love. So needy. A new anxiety would be better than me. My body is already broken as it is, so what’s another stain going to change-_

Pain. _Ow._

Virgil blinked, he had been pulled out of his whirlpool of self-hate by pain from his fingernails digging into his forearms. He had drawn blood, but not a lot. 

His forearm pain was nothing he wasn’t feeling constantly, but it was new and another ‘stain’ to tick off on his tainted body.

Virgil gathered himself best he could and made his way down into a silent and waiting living room.

As Virgil turned to their kitchen, he caught sight of Patton hugging Logan? When had Logan ever let someone hug him for this long?

They both had had their eyes closed but Logan opened his soon after Virgil saw them. 

“Hey, um Pat?” Logan almost looked like he was, _blushing?_

“Yes, Lo?” Patton sounded muffled, his face was buried in Logan’s chest.

“Virgil’s staring at us.”

Patton jerked his head up to look at Virgil. “Oh Pop-tart how long have you been standing there?” Patton was blushing with embarrassment at being discovered and unwrapped his hands from around Logan.

“Not long. Logan can always tell when I’m around.” Virgil replied, trying to keep his voice level and push down his still churning feelings.

“You’re reading a book Virgil?” Logan queried with a raised eyebrow, now facing Virgil and seemed to want to come closer, but decided to say put.

Virgil had almost forgotten what excuse he had to be down here. “Yeah, I’m reading up on _IT_ so I can help Thomas not be too scared if he watched their movies.” Partially truth, but not enough to be too close to a lie.

“I didn’t know you had actual copies of books in your room, but then again, going in you room for too long is not good for me or Patton and Roman, so no one could’ve analyzed it thoroughly.” Logan had placed his hand on his chin and was looking of into space, seeming to go deep in thought.

“Yep, I do. I’m gonna go read it in our armchair.” Virgil shortly said, turning around and sat down in their arm chair, getting as comfortable as he could while queueing _IT’s_ corresponding audiobook.

Virgil didn’t want to be so short with Logan and Patton, but his legs had started to shake a little and he knew he would worry Logan and Patton much worse if he staying standing.

Virgil started his audiobook and tried to ignore his friends concerned looks from Thomas’s kitchen.

If they loved him, they would come to him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman is not happy.

Virgil had gotten through about 50 pages when he noticed a note from Logan and Patton he hadn’t seen before on their table. He reached from where sat and grabbed it.

It read: _We forgot to tell you at breakfast, but Roman has come up with an idea for a new Sanders Sides video and we’re filming it tomorrow! We also didn’t want to disturb you while you read, so we wrote you this instead!_

_Of course Roman would make it rhyme! And of course they would respect my boundaries even though that’s opposite of what I need right now. _Virgil thought while chuckling and then sighing. He wondered what his arc would be after he confess his status as a Dark Side to video Thomas.

Virgil looked around, he hadn’t even noticed when Logan and Patton left. Now, he had to stay here because Virgil doubted he had enough energy to ascend without worrying his friends if and when they saw him. At least he would be down here for lunch, but that was still a little ways away.

His stomach pain was getting worse, but it wasn’t unbearable. He knew it would only get completely unbearable when Virgil wouldn’t have enough energy to get up or essentially move, but he knew he could still function enough to do that.

Virgil decided to continue his book until Patton came down to make lunch, but how long could he wait?

——-

Roman swore he had left his door open so that he could better see and hear if Virgil was in trouble or distress. He had been polishing up any rough parts of his new Sanders Sides video that were there because of when they were written in his sleep deprived state. (1am)

Roman knew he would’ve heard it close if someone had closed it, so-

_WAIT!_

Roman’s heart seized. Roman suddenly realized, _What if something had closed Roman’s door so they could hurt Virgil after making Virgil’s room soundproof!_

Roman was vaguely aware of how fast he threw open his door and ran up to Virgil’s door. But even in his haste he was able to knock at an appropriate volume and to ask in a level voice, “Virgil, are you there?” 

When no one answered, Roman flung Virgil’s door open to reveal his dimly lit room. It looked similar to when Roman had briefly entered when Virgil’s room to check on him, with things slightly moved in places.

But no Virgil.

Roman tried to choke back his rising panic as he supposed, _maybe he went downstairs? _

He didn’t know if Logan and Patton were still there, but it was a next plausible place to look. Roman only got halfway down before he saw Virgil’s familiar black and purple hoodie.

Seeing Virgil immediately calmed Roman down. Roman also saw Virgil had a book in his hands and was reading it.

_So Mr. Panic at His Everywhere is now a book worm like Lo. I never pegged him as that type of Side._

Virgil was sitting in their armchair sideways, so that he was stretched perpendicular to how you would sit normally. He seemed to be engrossed in his book and had his headphones on, listening possibly to one of his audiobooks to go along with reading his physical copy.

Roman was now satisfied with his search. He would never disturb Virgil in such a concentrated and zoned in state. It was so adorable, almost as good as himself. 

As Roman ascended again, much more light this time, he wondered, _Where did that comment about Virgil being adorable come from? I guess he has Pat’s face, but why does it feel weird to say that? _

Roman shook his head as he got back into focusing on making his new video perfect for Virgil. He wanted to make up for not talking to him but something still remained latched in his brain.

_Why was he so cold and thin? Something is wrong, but we all can figure that out after we make tomorrow a perfect day for Virgil._

Roman would make sure of it.

Sure.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton starts to make lunch.

Before Patton knew it, lunch time was almost here. Patton was excited about getting Virgil one step closer to being healthy again.

He had planned to cook some asian inspired cuisine, they would all need less carb filled food and more vegetables today. He would limit any rice or noodles in this dish.

Patton exited his room descend into their living room to see that Virgil was still reading his book, looking like he hadn’t moved since Patton went upstairs. His position in his chair looked very uncomfortable. 

Patton would change that.

Patton very quietly and slowly creeped over to Virgil and cover Virgil’s eyes while he was reading.

Virgil initially jolted under Patton’s hands but relaxed when he recognized when he tried to turn around that it was Patton who was messing with him.

“Padre, I need to see my book to read it.” Virgil teasingly pleaded.

“But you can listen to it too, like you can listen to me cook our lunch.” Patton slyly smiled, but removed his hands anyway.

Virgil now fully turned around, “It’s time already? This book must be really interesting, it feels like it was only 30 minutes ago we were eating breakfast.”

“I’m glad you were able to enjoy your book that much, but I’m going to go make our food now.” Patton tried to sooth Virgil’s worries by catching him by surprise, he placed a kiss on a fully awake Virgil’s forehead.

Virgil looked a little surprised and squeaked like a mouse before choking out, “Pat!”

“Just continue reading and I’ll tell you when lunch is ready, it may feel like just a minute if you do that.” Patton winked at Virgil as he entered their kitchen and started to pull out what he needed.

“Ok, Dad…dio” Virgil was quieter than before, but he was probably still processing Patton’s technique to get Virgil to stop worrying.

_Worked like a charm._

Patton now mentally added ‘His Good Luck Charm’ onto his nickname list for Virgil, he loved nicknames.

Let’s hope Virgil is as lucky as a good luck charm.

————

Virgil was caught by surprise when two warm hands covered his eyes while he was reading. For a split second he almost wrenched them away in pure surprise and fear, but Virgil realized that they were Patton’s hands.

Virgil tried to make most of his situation, to let Patton touch him for as long as he could, but as always, Patton pulled away far too soon. 

What he didn’t expect, however, was Patton kissing him on his forehead. Patton’s hands over his eyes had been one thing, but when Patton kissed his forehead he felt an overwhelming explosion of warmth, rivaling Roman’s grasping touch this morning. He involuntarily squeaked because of how much warmer that was than anything he’d ever really felt.

He barely noticed that he hadn’t stopped his audiobook and that it was still reciting along with his book as Patton went into their kitchen.

His mouth moved before his brain did and he almost called Patton Dad before acting like he was making a pun. His thoughts were jumbled and in complete disarray with how much Patton caught him off guard.

When he had gathered himself he rewound _IT_ back to where he was before Patton interrupted and continued reading.

He was so glad Patton touched him, Patton kiss alone would give him energy enough to go up to his room confidently after lunch.

_It was worth waiting until lunch now, but it’s not over yet. _

Really, it would never be over, but a false comfort was Virgil’s best shot right now at not flinging himself on Patton to fulfill his selfish need.

Virgil hated how he was always so close to just straight up demanding love, like he deserved it.

_I don’t deserve it. I always expect it to come to me. Take it for granted, like an asshole._

Maybe when Patton found out, he would think same as him.

After all, who could truly love him when they knew his secret?


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lunch time.

Like a breeze, Virgil got back into his book and before he knew it he was digging into a plate full of vegetables and rice Patton had made.

He still wasn’t up to par, but his stomach wasn’t giving him hell, so he called his endeavor to stay downstairs and read was a success.

———-

Patton had called Virgil over and watched as Virgil dug into his lovingly prepared meal. Patton then called to Logan and Roman from their living room to come down to eat.

Roman was first, a little more muted than usual, no dramatic flair even though it was lunch time. (Roman saved dramatic flair for later because even he wasn’t exactly a morning person, that was Patton).

_Seems writing and revising our new video’s script took a little out of him._

What Patton didn’t notice were Roman’s subtle glances over to Virgil, who was slowly eating his plate of food. 

Virgil seemed to be trying to suck any nutrients in his food out as much as he could. Patton inwardly chuckled, _I’m glad he wants to eat now, that means he won’t get any thinner and we’ll not have to worry about our little cinnamon roll._

Logan came down last, a book in his hand. Surprisingly, his book more resembled a horror novel today. Patton wondered, _Logan doesn’t usually like horror. _

_Wait! Is Logan reading a horror novel so he can help Virgil with comforting Thomas if he sees them? So thoughtful!_

Patton loved his sons, they always looked out for each other and sometimes even looked out for him.

Patton placed Roman and Logan’s plates into place and then served himself his food and sat down and started to eat as well.

Roman spoke up first, “What are you reading Logan? Is that a horror novel? That’s not really your genre of book.” 

“Ah, yes. This book is of a horror genre, Virgil brought it to my attention that Thomas may be interested in eventually watching a horror movie called _IT _and it’s sequel _IT: Chapter Two_, so I have taken an initiative to read up on horror tropes to be able to analyze them in real time.” Logan droned while still eating and not taking his eyes of his book.

Virgil looked up with an emotion on his face that somehow, Patton couldn’t place, but then continued eating. Roman looked impressed at Logan, something that rarely happened, “I’m impressed you can stomach that genre, horror is one thing that I cannot deal with watching, but I know Remus loves that stuff.”

Logan only nodded another forkful of food while still studiously continuing to read. 

Patton was just quietly enjoying watch his sons interact while he ate, but Virgil’s expression troubled him.

————

Roman tried to act normal, but he couldn’t help but glance at Virgil every so often as he came down and before Patton slid his plate in front of him.

Surprisingly, Logan was reading a horror themed novel, and Roman noticed another horror themed book that looked like Virgil had placed it down behind him. _Seems Logan got that idea from Virgil, not the other way around._

Roman was impressed that Logan could actually be reading about that stuff that was bound to be gore filled and disturbing while eating.

Roman didn’t see Virgil’s expression that Patton couldn’t place, however.

————

Virgil was caught off guard when Logan essentially admitted to be inspired by him to read a genre he hadn’t read before. 

He realized he let his face slip into what he was actually feeling for a second and prayed no one saw his expression slip.

_At least Logan wasn’t doing this to get what he wanted. Yeah, I was reading _IT_ to help Thomas, but also so I could trick someone into touching me. And Patton fell for it._

Virgil glanced at Patton, who was looking at Logan and Roman talk, and Virgil thought he saw a double take when Patton looked at him, but he didn’t think much of it other than assuming Patton was worried about him. 

_How much am I going to make Patton worry? He doesn’t deserve to worry, that’s my job. And how long can I keep this up for, I don’t want to lose my friends._

Virgil choked down his rising worries with another bite before he did something he knew would just make things worse.

He didn’t deserve their love. 

But he would make most of this time, if not for him for Patton.

Before it was too late.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil not so good.

Virgil finishing eating first and started to get up to put his plate in their sink when his legs flew out from under him.

“Whoa!” 

“Virgil!” “V!!” “Buddy!” A chorus of worried voices exclaimed.

Virgil had hit something hard with his foot and felt his friends hands grab onto him before he could hurt his head. His plate shattered as it hit solid ground, and managed to cut Virgil’s hand as he had instinctively tried to catch himself.

_Blood?_

“Ow, fuck!!” Virgil yelled as he winced at pain in his hand as he was pulled upright.

“Virge are you hurt?” Roman asked.

“Yeah, my plate cut my hand.” Virgil cradled his hand as this pain was added to his already hurting body.

“Let me look at it, Virgil, I won’t hurt you.” Logan said while reaching for Virgil’s hand.

_So much pain, I want it to stop! Logan would make it hurt more, he can’t touch it!_

Something primal in Virgil reared it’s head, Virgil wouldn’t let someone else hurt him, not even his friends.

“**NO!**” Virgil instinctively yelled with his double voice while pulling his hand back.

Everyone fell still, looking at Virgil with surprise.

Virgil’s mind was swirling with pain and all he wanted was for it to stop.

_No, no, no, no, no. I don’t want to be in any more pain. I need to leave, get out! Go! Go now!_

Patton placed a hand on his shoulder, “Buddy, it’s okay. We just need to take a look at-”

“**I SAID NO!**” Virgil recoiled from Patton’s touch and backed up away from them, scared of them hurting him more, like Not Him would want.

He wouldn’t allow it.

Virgil fled out of instinct and went straight to his room to get away from them. He could vaguely hear Patton, Logan, and Roman calling after him, but he just needed to get away.

When he got to his room he locked and soundproofed his room before huddling in a ball on his bed.

Virgil was breathing very heavy but felt like he couldn’t get air into his lungs, eventually he was able to calm down enough to register what just happened.

_Why did I do that? Logan wasn’t going hurt me, why was I so afraid of him? I was afraid of all of them. Will they forgive me? And even though they were touching me, they didn’t feel warm. Do they hate me now? Will I die now that no one loves me? _

Virgil sat there, thoughts swirling violently for what felt like an eternity when he saw a note being slipped under his door, one thing he couldn’t prevent them from doing.

He peeled himself slowly from his bed and picked up their note.

_Virgil, we’re concerned for you. You were upset and it’s okay to be upset, but were worried about you. That cut looked bad, and you need to get it bandaged so it can heal. We’re sorry we may have pressured you a little too much downstairs when your cut was still fresh and emotions were high. Come down when you’re ready, okay?_

_Love,_

_Patton, Roman, and Logan_

Virgil threw their note against his door. 

How could they still <strike>love</strike> be concerned about him? He yelled at them and ran from them like they would hurt him. He yelled at Patton of all Sides who was only trying to help. What had happened? Why did he react so violently?

Then Virgil realized and it sucked all his conflicting emotions into one singular emotion. His mind was stiller than it ever been because he only felt:

Anger.

Virgil knew exactly why he had reacted that way and he was going to destroy who was responsible.

He was ready this time, that person would never hurt him again.

He would make sure of it.

Once and for all.

There will be b̀l̢ood͜.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil faces his fears.

Before Virgil did something drastic, he composed a note to his friends so he would have time to do this. 

_Dear Roman, Patton, and Logan_

_Thank you for your concern about me. But need time to calm down, I can dress my wound myself if I had any supplies, so I need it from Logan. Regretfully, I do not think I can eat dinner with you all right now, but I will accept a plate of food at dinnertime so I’m not hungry. I know you still want me to be healthy._

Virgil hated he had to lie again, but it was best.

_I will come down to film tomorrow, but let’s talk after that. I don’t want to distress Thomas with what happened by bringing him into it. Anything you want to give me can come through a ‘doggie door’ I have created in my door, but do not try to contact me verbally please._

_Regards,_

_Virgil _

He slid his note under his door and looked through its peephole to see what was going on in their hallway.

Through his door’s peephole he saw a figure immediately pick up his note and run out of sight downstairs waving it around excitedly.

After a little bit, 3 figures came into view in front of his door, and he saw them read it and write one of their own. A figure he assumed was Logan conjured what he could tell was some bandages and handed them to a figure that was probably Roman. Roman got their note from a figure who Virgil knew was Patton and opened his ‘doggie door’ and slid them into his room.

Their note read:

_Okay, take as much bandage and time you need, but we may reapply bandages after filming, and we will not mention this to Thomas at your request. Dinner will be provided for you as requested. Please take care. _

_Love, _

_Your friends who are worried about you._

Virgil already had his response and slid a single sheet with _‘Thank you’_ written on it.

After doing that he wrapped his hand with their bandages as that would help with healing, per Logan’s words.

Only then did he allow himself to become angry once more and summon who caused him all this hurt.

“Well, well, well, seems you don’t hate me after all. Finally come to your senses?” Not Him was standing in front of Virgil now in all his shadowy darkness. He was only a shadow, but Virgil knew he had a smug expression on his face.

“Never! You know exactly what you did!” Virgil snarled at Not Him.

“Oh, that little boost of adrenaline and making you trip? That was a laugh and a half how you were so scared of your so-called friends.” Not Him snarled back at Virgil in kind.

“That was uncalled for, but thank you, that event made me realize who you really are.” 

Not Him seemed a little caught off guard but sarcastically asked “What, who am I really?”

“Well, for starters, Remus in our last video seemed to act similar to how you act towards me.”

“That slimy deodorant consuming fiend, ha! He’s-” 

“AND! You seem to be only concentrated on me, no one has complained about a shadowy figure haunting their dreams.”

Virgil paused and Not Him was starting to actually look nervous, a first for him.

“So either you’re really focused on me…”

Silence hung heavy between them as Virgil continued.

“… Or you’re a representation of my fears to keep me quiet about my secret. Self-preservation because of my fears. Which means all I have to do is tell my friends my secret and you’ll cease to exist, because I won’t be keeping a secret anymore.”

Not Him was silent a beat before seeming to recover from his surprise. “You’ll never do that, you know when I made you fearful of them and their touch wasn’t warm. They’ll hate you and won’t love you-”

“No, I was wrong.”

Not Him was perplexed by this response and started to say something else before Virgil interrupted him.

“They will always love me no matter what, I am a part of Thomas and they love Thomas. What made their touch not work was I was scared of them. All this time I thought it was them, now I know it was me who made myself starve. you have no way out, you’ll be gone by tomorrow.”

Not Him looked utterly scared as Virgil said this, seemed afraid of Virgil this time. But somehow, again recovered and smugly said, “We’ll see about that. I’m not gone yet, so I still have power over you, you better watch out. You might do something you’ll regret. Sweet dreams, don’t let them bite.” Not Him taunted Virgil in a singsongy voice at his last comment

And as quick as he had come, he was gone.

It was Virgil’s turn to be perplexed. What did Not Him mean? 

_Oh. Right._

_I hope I can make it till then._

Virgil was going to have a long night ahead him.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's friends are concerned about him.

Patton, Logan, and Roman were concerned for Virgil.

He had been so scared of them, and they didn’t know why.

Logan especially did not understand such a violent reaction to his intended examination of Virgil’s hand. He even flinched away from Patton’s touch, and he had never done that before. Patton usually was a calming influence on him no matter how distraught he was, but for some reason this time was different.

One good thing was that Virgil did not seem angry or unwilling to cooperate with them. Giving him space was what they knew he needed when he got upset at them.

All of them dealt with Virgil’s flight and subsequent absence differently.

Roman posted himself outside Virgil’s door to be ready for any communication from him or to face a threat imposed on Virgil by an outside force. 

Patton started thinking of a gift to bring Virgil that he could give to show he loved Virgil as well as already thinking about dinner and if Virgil would want it.

Logan started reading up on anything he could find about fear and fear responses and their causes and solutions. He did not want to upset Virgil so drastically again. Never again.

Being outside of Virgil’s door, he immediately saw Virgil’s note come from under his door and grabbed it as soon as he could.

“Guys, Virgil gave us a note back!” Roman ran as fast as he could to their stairs, where Patton and Logan were in their living room. 

Logan immediately put down his book and Patton stood up scattering small prototype plushies he had conjured up to find one good to give to Virgil.

“What did he say?” they said in unison.

“Come up and see”

Once Logan and Patton were upstairs, Roman read Virgil’s note to them. 

“We need to give him his space. It’s a good sign that he is not refusing help from us, but it’s unfortunate that we cannot help him ourselves. Tell him after our video we will help him reapply his bandages” Logan instructed while conjuring up some bandages.

“Must we not tell Thomas? Thomas would-” Roman started to say.

Patton interrupted Roman “Roman, I know you’re concerned about him as much as we are, but we need to trust Virgil when he says Thomas shouldn’t know about this yet.”

“Fine.”

Roman finished their note and let Logan and Patton approve it before taking Logan’s bandages and sliding them through Virgil’s new ‘doggie door’.

They were almost immediately met with a small note Virgil had no doubt already prepared with his ‘thank you.’

“I wish I knew what was going on in there.”

“I think we all do.”

“No doubt”

They all went back to their activities, Roman still posted outside Virgil’s door, Logan reading his book, and Patton finding a perfect plushie for Virgil.

Dinner came and Patton climbed up their stairs with Virgil’s food as he requested.

Luckily, Patton had created a perfect plushie for Virgil, a large chocolate brown puppy plush with Patton’s light blue colored eyes. He slid that and Virgil’s food through Virgil’s doggie door and saw it being picked up before it flopped back into place.

Patton turned to Roman, “Are you going to come down to eat? You can’t just sit up here waiting for Virgil until he comes out.” Patton knew Roman hadn’t come down but was disconcerted to see him in his same stance he saw Roman in 2 hours ago.

Roman started to say, “I have to- Whoa!”

Patton had picked Roman up, interrupting his excuse and carried Roman down to their kitchen before Roman could squirm out of Patton’s arms.

“You need to eat Roman, Virgil will still be there when you get back, and he now has Patton’s ‘plush friend’ to keep him company.” Logan reprimanded Roman sternly before Roman could say anything after being deposited in his seat.

“Company, my a-” Patton cleared his throat as Roman’s comment died in his throat, Patton was now also looking at him sternly, daring him to finished that sentence.

“Okay, I’ll eat. Sheesh.” Roman swallowed his indignation with his dinner of steak and mashed potatoes.

“Thank you. He’ll be fine even without you watching him like a hawk, and please go to bed at a reasonable time today. We don’t need 2 unhealthy Sides walking around.”

Roman nodded but was calculating how much sleep he could sacrifice without consequence, but he truly wanted to stay there all night, he couldn’t fail Virgil again. 

_I must protect him. Something’s wrong._

Patton knew Roman was probably going to try to stay up anyway, so he made himself a mental note check their hallway as he prepared for bed.

Logan was studying his book, analyzing all different reasons and causes of fear responses and how to correctly help someone efficiently when they’re scared.

They all loved Virgil and were willing to do anything to protect and help Virgil.

They would never let anyone else hurt him.

But they couldn’t protect Virgil from himself.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleepy time.

Virgil was surprised at how easily he had dealt with Not Him. He thought Not Him would try to fight back or prolong their conflict, but it seemed he knew himself to much to be able to discourage him from dispelling his fears that easily.

He knew he couldn’t go down to his friends like this, even if he wanted to.

Not Him would try to do everything in his power to prevent that.

He just had to wait till morning.

Virgil sensed a presence as his door and slowly made his way in front of it as Patton slid a plate of food under his door as well as a plush brown dog that had Patton’s eyes.

_Aww, Pat!_ _Always knows how to cheer me up when I’m down._

Virgil looked out his peephole to see Patton talking to Roman, who Virgil didn’t even notice was still posted near his door. Patton picked Roman up to a indignant Roman’s flailing.

As they faded out of sight Virgil’s stomach knotted at how Patton was carrying Roman, like Roman was most important to him at that moment. And Patton’s ease with touching Roman, it was too much.

Echoes of thoughts he knew were coming from Not Him swirled in his head, telling him that Patton hated him, but Virgil could now see them for what they really were.

Though eating Patton’s dinner gave no solace from his ravenous hunger, there was some comfort that came with cuddling up to Patton’s plushie gift.

Virgil supposed that it was close enough to hugging Pat that it reminded him of Pat and that was a great comfort when he couldn’t be with his friends right now.

Since Virgil couldn’t go anywhere and didn’t really want to do anything, he prepared for bed as soon as he could, not even looking at his alarm clock.

One new thing about his routine today was an addition of restraints he conjured tied to his bed for his arms.

Virgil would not let Not Him hurt him or his friends in his sleep, he could not afford to leave his room during a nightmare and hurt his friends.

But as a Side of backup plans, he had a foolproof locking/unlocking mechanism that he could adequately engage and disengage while completely awake with a single hand. Logan had once taught him interlocking puzzle strategies and he used those tactics in this mechanism.

Virgil could only unlock these restraints if he was calm and not panicking. Not Him didn’t have a real physical form, so he could only influence Virgil to unlock it, which would involve heightened anxiety and a very low chance of escaping.

When Virgil was snug in his self-inflicted prison, he let himself drift off into a hopefully peaceful sleep.

_Just til morning._

_Then everything will be o…_

———

Roman had snuck out of his room when he knew Patton and Logan would be winding down and unlikely to come out of their rooms until morning.

He needed to do this, something was troubling Virgil and he would be one to find it and eliminate it.

Unfortunately, his previous ‘all-nighter’ had made him much drowsier than he anticipated and he unwillingly dozed off after an hour or 2.

———

Patton had almost forgotten.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, his mental note from dinner popped into his head and he slowly got up and went out into their hall.

As expected, Roman was sitting with his back to his own door, facing Virgil’s door. He had fallen asleep in as defensive a stance you could make while sitting down.

As gently as he could, Patton picked Roman up for another time that day and tucked him into bed, his signature forehead kiss at his lips.

After making sure Roman was comfortable and he knew he was still asleep, Patton returned to his room and went to sleep himself.

Now everything was quiet.

Too quiet.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil doesn't get a good night's sleep
> 
> Warning: Graphic description of blood

_Virgil was lying on their couch when he heard a shout from upstairs._

_“Virgil, help!”  
_

_“V, please!”  
_

_“AHHHH!!!” Patton let out a gut-wrenching scream. Virgil’s heart broke at how pain-filled and raw it was.  
_

_Virgil desperately tried to get up but for some reason he was stuck laying on their couch as he tried to get up._

_Images of what could be happening up there flashed through Virgil’s mind for what seemed like an eternity and none were any help for Virgil’s panic._

_“Guys, I’m here, but I can’t get up! What’s happening?”_

_“Please help us!” Logan, Roman, and Patton’s voices intoned in eerie unison, but still sounded panicked._

_“Please, I need to help them, I need to get out!!” Virgil struggled in vain at his arms, trying to get himself free to help his friends.  
_

_Suddenly, their voices went silent, but Virgil’s panic somehow spiked even more._

_More possibilities flew by, now considering worst case scenarios, but they _ <strike>couldn’t</strike> _ won’t happen if Virgil could help it._

_They couldn’t be that quiet._

_That’s when he saw it._

_A thin trickle of blood running down their stairs, slowly followed by another and then another. _

_3 lines of blood._

_“_ _**NoOoOo!!!**” Virgil screamed a scream he had never thought he could muster, feeling his very throat torn by his scream._

_Grief ripped through his body and he instinctively curled into a fetal position as pure grief tore through his body like his scream tore his throat._

No!! Their dead and it’s all my fault!! _Virgil screamed in his mind, it seemed all he could do right now was scream._

_Virgil couldn’t tell how long he was there, vainly pulling at his restraints as he sobbed from his grief of losing his only and close friends he had._

_After an apparent eternity of grief, a sound cut through his grief-stricken cries._

_Virgil looked up to see that their stairs were now covered with more than just those three trickles of blood._

_They had turned into an unholy blood waterfall and blood was slowly filling their common room._

_Virgil scrambled as far as he could away from their blood and pawed at his arms again trying to remove his restraints keeping him here._

_But he couldn’t do anything, he was helpless. His friends were dead and it was his fault, for becoming _too lax, too weak, too stupid. 

_All he could do was sit there as their blood rose, covering his lower half, up to his chest. When it rose above his nose, he was forced to inhale their metallic blood, and it froze his insides._

Why is it cold? Blood’s warm… _were Virgil’s last thoughts before he felt his consciousness slipping as he drowned in his friends blood._

_—–_

Virgil awoke in a cold sweat. Literally. Even though he was covered in sweat, he was freezing.

_I have to check if my friends are okay!_

Before he was even halfway up his restraints yanked him back.

_Oh, I almost forgot. _

Virgil took in a deep breath

_Calm down Virge, I’m sure their fine. Remember, Not Him’s trying to get into your head._

Virgil glanced at his alarm clock _8:45 am._

“What? Fuck, missed breakfast, Patton’s gonna be pissed. Wait, I forgot he’s bringing it.” Virgil shook his head as he slowly undid his restraints, his voice was hoarse. 

He felt a million times more awful than last night.

_I suppose Not Him did try to get me to undo my restraints, but it seems he made everything I did physically in my dream I did in real life. And it seems I was waiting as long as I did._

Virgil was glad for soundproofing.

Patton’s breakfast plate was at his door flap and Virgil ate it for something to do as he read Patton’s note.

_Wait. _

_SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!_

_“_Shit! Thomas has an outing this evening and can’t film then! Video’s in 15 minutes! That’s not enough time!”

Virgil got up and realized he had scratched hard enough at his arms that he had drawn his own blood, but it wasn’t as bad as his hand cut.

Virgil went into his bathroom and washed his arms at his scratches, hoping no one would notice.

He was so dizzy now, when had his room started to rock?

Virgil had to catch himself on his sink to not fall to his bathroom floor.

Hunger coarse through Virgil’s body in waves, but he needed to get down for filming and talking with his friends after, then everything would be okay.

Virgil steeled himself after preparing for today and walked over to his door and calmly opened it.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil... not... okay.

Virgil squinted as their hallway light disoriented him.

“Hey, Virgil! I’m glad you got Patton’s note-” A voice in front of him startled Virgil and its enthusiasm didn’t help with his pounding headache.

“Woah! Sorry, Virge! I guess I startled you. I got a little too excited.” Virgil squinted at who was talking to him and made out a Roman shaped object. Roman was furnace for Virgil’s freezing and hungry body.

“S’okies Princey, just a little more subtly next time.” Virgil put up his hood, which he stupidly didn’t put up before, ignoring how much he wanted to reach out. Not yet.

_I hope I didn’t look too bad, I feel bad though. Don’t want them to worry too much until they understand. Just a little longer._

“Are you okay, V?” Roman sounded concerned. _As he should._

“Yeah, Romano! Just worried bout our early filming on such short notice.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Virgil wasn’t looking at him, but he could sense Roman’s frown from a mile away, and also a bit of amusement at Virgil’s nicknames.

“Well, I’ll go tell Logan and Pat you’re coming, come down when you’re ready my stormcloud!” And before Virgil knew it, he was alone upstairs. He was so cold without Roman near, his hands started shaking a little.

Virgil didn’t know if he would have energy to keep this up for long, but he just needed to last until after filming and then it would be fine. 

_I just need to get through this and then I can tell them about my secret, then I won’t have a secret anymore. Go slow and use as little energy as possible, for your friends._

Ignoring his aching and pain racking his thin frame, he carefully and slowly descended towards his friends. His knees were threatening to shake as he neared his usual spot. 

Actually, his whole body felt like it was submerged in ice, but that wasn’t important right now. What was important now was helping Thomas film his new video.

“Right on time Virge! Thomas is getting ready to start filming. Are you good to go?” Patton was as chipper as ever, but Virgil could sense his worry about waiting till after filming to address Virgil’s outburst.

“Yeah, Pops. I’m ready” Virgil used a larger portion of willpower than he anticipated to give Patton a hopefully convincing half smile and thumbs up.

Virgil wasn’t ready.

He felt Thomas calling them and allowed himself to be pulled into Thomas’s real living room.

He lurched slightly off balance by their change into reality, but no one else seemed to notice his difficulty.

_Or care. _

Thomas greeted them and they started filming with Patton first.

Virgil was only focusing on conserving his energy for after filming. He barely registered anything other than his own breathing and his heart. He felt his friends concern, but they would have to wait.

He just had to get through this.

-

Virgil had no idea how long he had been looking at his feet when a voice cut through his concentration.

“-irge, you okay? We’ve been trying to get your attention for a little bit. It’s your turn to film.” A voice he couldn’t tell it’s source spoke to him.

Virgil barely had enough energy to lift his head and before he could say anything everything got really fuzzy and he somehow felt 100 times weaker. 

He felt so much heavier than 5 seconds ago. And that voice was saying something else, he couldn’t make it out. He just wanted to sleep, everything was so fuzzy…

A distant voice echoed in his mind, _I told you wouldn’t get to tell them, sweet dreams Virgil._

_No… I… I…_

“I’m sorry…” was all Virgil could say before everything went black.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil sleepy night night.

Virgil didn’t look good.

Logan could tell he was tired, but him collapsing was something he didn’t think likely.

“Virgil, you okay? We’ve been trying to get your attention for a little bit. It’s your turn to film.” Logan had been trying to get Virgil’s attention for a period of 10 seconds before Virgil seemed to register his voice.

Patton and Roman looked at Virgil with deep concern as Virgil seemed to get even weaker as he tried to say something and looked up from his feet.

“Virgil?”

Virgil was only able to say “I’m sorry…” before his eyes rolled back and he collapsed.

Logan sensed what was going to happen before Roman did and caught Virgil before he fully fell.

Patton yelped and rushed over as fast as he could to where Logan caught Virgil, flitting his hands across Virgil at a loss for what to do.

Something wasn’t right.

“He’s even lighter than yesterday and he’s freezing.” Logan breathed. 

_How? What? Why? Who? _Logan had no idea what to do.

“What? But I’ve been feeding him as much as I could, put any nutrients I could for him.” Patton gasped shocked at Logan’s assessment.

“Logan, what’s happened to Virgil?” Thomas asked Logan as he looked over Virgil’s form concerned.

“I don’t know, but we need to sink back into our mind palace, he’s too vulnerable in reality.” 

“Ok, do what you need to do. Make sure he’s okay.”

“Of course, Thomas.”

They sunk back into their living room.

Logan carried Virgil to their couch and laid him down as gently as he could on it.

Roman had sunk down with them, but seemed to be in high distress. He was never this silent.

“Roman, are you good? I might need assistance in diagnosing his ailment, would you help me?” Logan had no idea if Roman could really help, but he knew Roman would want to help to feel in control.

Roman’s response to Logan was a non sequitur, he looked like he did not even register that Logan was there or spoke to him. 

“Is it my fault?” 

Roman was holding his head in his hands and was slightly rocking as he was processing what was happening. 

Logan placed his hand under Roman’s chin and brought Roman’s face up to force Roman to look him in his eyes. “Roman, this isn’t your fault. Virgil keeps secrets, and apparently he’s been really good at hiding whatever this one is. It’s no one’s fault this happened, just bad judgement and fear. Now I need your help to help Virgil. Can you do that?”

Roman appeared to snap back to reality at Logan’s directness. He blinked and shakily agreed with an “Okay.”

Logan went into paramedic mode. He couldn’t let feelings get in his way right now, Virgil was priority.

“Help me get his hoodie off, we need to see if he has any injuries that caused him to collapse.” 

As they pulled off Virgil’s hoodie they revealed semi-fresh scratch marks along Virgil’s arms and markings that looked suspiciously like chafing you get with arm restraints. His arms looked so thin, too.

_Arm restraints. Oh no._

Patton had been sobbing while smoothing Virgil’s hair, but gasped at Virgil’s bare arms.

…

Roman was first to speak.

“I’m going to kill one of those fuckers.” Roman had done a 180 in attitude. Seconds ago he was shaken and unsure, but now he was pissed. No. Enraged.

Roman drew his sword instantly.

“Deceit! Remus!” Roman summoned his brother and that snake. They appeared instantly.

With eyes glowing a brighter red and larger than Logan had ever seen and sword shining just as bright, Roman spat “Which one of you hurt Virgil? I know it was one of you, so WHICH ONE OF YOU WAS IT?” 

Logan had never seen Roman so passionate, and that was saying something.

There was going to be hell to pay. And one of them would pay for it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman is angery.

Deceit and Remus looked surprised as they popped into their living room and were accosted by Roman.

“Wait. Virgil’s hurt? What happened?” Deceit looked utterly confused as he asked. Remus seemed distracted.

“I should ask you! One of you has hurt him enough to make him collapse, he has marks of being restrained by his arms and scratches from trying to get out of them. Who did this? FESS UP or I will KILL BOTH OF YOU” 

Roman was more angry than any of Thomas’s Sides had ever seen him.

“Roman, you know I am not a villain, I would never harm Virgil. I have sensed that he’s been hiding something through his lies about it, but he’s somehow hidden what it is from _me_. You know I can always tell that, but that doesn’t mean I’m at fault.” Deceit looked warily at Roman’s sword, knowing Roman was willing to use it.

“Just because you have that ability doesn’t mean you can’t be lying to us about hurting him.” Roman glared at Deceit, fury radiating in waves off of him.

“I-” Deceit started.

“I know what’s wrong, Brother, but it wasn’t me that hurt him either.” Remus finally spoke up, everyone realized just how quiet Remus had been before that point. 

Remus was fixated on Virgil. Too fixated. 

In an instant, Roman had his sword at Remus’s neck, “If you know what’s wrong, then how can you NOT be who hurt him?”

Remus swallowed as shallowly as he could to not be cut by Roman’s sword, a uncharacteristic expression of fear across his mustache clad face.

“Because he did that to himse-” 

Roman shoved Remus up against their wall. “HOW DARE YOU! Virgil would never hurt himself like that. Deceit is he lying? He has to be.”

Roman whipped around to look at Deceit with an angry expectancy directed at Deceit’s scale adorned countenance.

At first, Deceit was silent, but spoke up in a whisper that was loud enough for Roman to hear. “He’s not lying.” He breathed. Deceit looked as shocked it being true as Roman was.

“What? Why then would he do this to himself?” Roman’s head snapped back to look at his brother, pushing his sword harder to his neck.

Remus didn’t immediately answer, appearing to have an internal battle of what to say. 

“TELL ME!” Roman pulled Remus back and slammed him against their wall in another wave of anger and fury.

“I-”

Remus was interrupted by a groan from Virgil. 

Logan had Virgil in his arms again in a hug on their couch as Roman looked back at Virgil. He shifted slightly in Logan’s arms.

Roman relaxed his sword from Remus’s throat unconsciously, and Remus was grateful to be able to breathe.

Patton gasped “Is he waking up?”

“V? Are you okay?” Roman had never heard such tenderness in Logan’s voice or heard Logan use that nickname before.

There was another pause.

Virgil stirred again and then opened his eyes.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cuddle time?

Virgil couldn’t tell when he could think again, but once he was aware, he felt a warmth like he had never felt wrapped around him.

_What is this? Heaven? _

No one would hold him this tight and with this much love.

He heard a muffled set of voices that he could tell from their tone were arguing.

_Ok, not heaven. Who is holding me then?_

Virgil tried to move, but his limbs would not cooperate and he only managed a small shift in his position. A groan escaped his lips involuntarily.

Everything went silent.

“Is he waking up?” Patton’s voice sounded close, there was so much concern in it, Virgil wished he could wipe Patton’s concerns away.

“V? are you okay?” Logan sounded so tender and had never used that nickname before. His voice also resounded slightly within Virgil’s warmth blanket.

_Logan’s hugging me? Still a possibility I’m in heaven, or hell._

Virgil gathered his energy to open eyes to see if this was truly happening and wasn’t some dream.

He opened eyes.

Logan had Virgil’s head cupped under his chin to look at Virgil’s face, his face changed from one of trepidation and tenderness to a joy Virgil’s heart leaped at seeing. Never had Logan been this pure in emotion.

Patton was looking at Virgil with red-rimmed tear-filled eyes. His reaction as Virgil looked at him was one of relief and he started crying of relief.

However, when Virgil looked over to Roman, a strange and concerning sight met his eyes.

Roman had Remus against their wall with Roman’s sword at his throat and Deceit was beside them, looking concerned, but for him or Remus, Virgil wasn’t sure.

Roman looked relieved to see Virgil, but Remus was looking fearfully at Roman. Deceit looked shocked and was looking back and forth between both Remus and Virgil.

“Roman? Wh-” Virgil couldn’t finish his sentence before he started coughing, his body involuntarily turning him back to face Logan as he coughed.

“Virgil?” Roman’s voice got closer as Virgil got through his coughing fit.

A hand was placed on his back and started rubbing circles and lightly patting Virgil’s back.

“Virgil, what happened?” 

Virgil looked up and made a face of confusion at Roman. What did he mean?

“Virgil, your arms, who did that to you?”

Suddenly, Virgil remembered recent events he hadn’t before.

He looked up panicked and started to say “I need-” before he coughed again.

He had to say it, or he might never tell them.

Virgil took a deep breath and said before he was prevented, “I need touch to survive, to not be hungry. I-”

He faltered as he looked at Roman, who had pulled back into a defensive stance and was glaring at Remus, reacting to Virgil’s panic. But Roman looked surprised as Virgil spoke, and confused as well at his original question was disregarded. Virgil started to reach for Roman.

He felt his friends looking at him, but his body failed him as relief and release of tension he didn’t even know he had was released.

Virgil sunk into Logan again as his mind was liberated from a huge weight of worry he had been burdened with most of his existence on top of his day-to-day worries.

He was free.

Not Him was gone now.

Finally.

Forever.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is an explainy boy.
> 
> Also.
> 
> Something.... interesting.... happens.... to the... brothers.

Virgil slumped over back onto Logan’s chest.

“Virgil, what is it, what happened? Are you hurt somewhere else?”

Logan brought Virgil face up to look at him again and though Virgil’s eyes were open, he knew Virgil wasn’t seeing Logan right in front of him. 

Patton exclaimed “Why are his eyes open like that? Is he-”

“No, Patton. I think he’s just, tired…” Logan wasn’t sure what he was saying was true, but he knew Virgil wasn’t dead or in distress, quite opposite that. Virgil was way too relaxed now.

“Look, his color’s coming back, he’s going to be fine Patton.”

Patton looked unconvinced but started smoothing Virgil’s hair again to try and comfort Virgil in whatever state he was in.

“What did he mean he needed touch to survive? That doesn’t make sense.” Roman had rushed towards Virgil when he had reached out, but faltered at Virgil collapsing again.

“Brother-” Remus started and cut himself off instinctually at Roman’s head turn towards him, fearful of another advance. 

“Virgil has been keeping this secret from everyone for a long time, Virgil needs a loving touch like Thomas needs food. He’s feared that if he told anyone, that they wouldn’t love him anymore and their touch wouldn’t work. He-”

Remus swallowed choking down a sob threatening to escape his lips.

“His psyche created a being that he would fear in his mind that would keep him quiet about his secret to preserve Virgil and itself. But Virgil only saw it as a threat, similar to how he saw me as a threat in our last video until he didn’t, that was what made it click that that being wasn’t real, I gues-”

“Wait, how do you know this? Deceit said he didn’t even know what Virgil was hiding even though he knew Virgil was lying. How do you know about his secret?” Roman looked at Remus with a mix of suspicion and confusion.

“Roman, you know how! I am part of Thomas’s creativity, I oversee his nightmares and unwanted thought, how could I not sense Virgil’s nightmares and their cause?”

Roman paused, realization spreading across his face and he slapped his hand to his forehead. “Why didn’t I think of that when Virgil had his nightmare? Ugh, I could’ve helped Vir-”

“No.” 

“What?”

“No, I wouldn’t have told you anything back then, Virgil had to tell you himself or that being wouldn’t have lost it’s power. Now Virgi-” Remus bristled with a different realization, his eyes open wide in pure surprise and shock. 

Roman gasped, Roman and Remus appeared to share a similar realization simultaneously.

“Wait, Virgil’s why w-” Remus’s body spasmed and Roman grabbed his head in a similar uncontrolled spasm. 

“What’s happening?” Patton rushed to Roman and Remus who both put up a hand to stop Patton simultaneously.

Something was different, too different and too similar.

“I’m okay. I just need to pull myself together.” But there was not two voices now, there was just one.

Unfamiliar, but also entirely familiar voice Patton and Logan immediately recognized.

“Wait, really?” 

“Well this is unprecedented.”

They smiled, “It’s been a long time.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Creativity is one again.

“What’s happened?” Deceit didn’t understand what was happening.

“I’ll show you.”

Remus and Roman reached out for each other’s hand. When they grasped hands, a flash of light blinded everyone.

Where Roman and Remus had stood, a singular figure now stood. 

Clad in a dark almost black navy blue outfit like Roman’s, Deceit did not recognize who it was, but apparently Patton and Logan did.

“You’re whole again!” Patton squealed. 

“It’s been years since I’ve been one person. I’ve missed being myself.” They stretched their arms out exaggeratedly in a stretch. Their voice was one that Deceit had heard a moment before, it was rich and melodic, like a Disney Prince, but somehow even better and more mature. No, like a Disney King as a protagonist.

Whoever was in front of Deceit was a Side he had never seen before, he had a more royal outfit than Remus, but also almost had Remus’s dark color outfit. He had a golden crown adorning his head and had a golden trim around his red sash as well as a golden necklace type thing pinned across his chest. A small shadow of a mustache was just visible enough to be noticeable, but not enough to be totally obvious. 

“It has been a while, welcome back Creativity.” Logan stated, not moving from his position with Virgil.

“Logan, you _know_ my name-!” Remu-Roma-Creativity turned to look back at Deceit and smiled in a somewhat familiar way, he was so much like both Roman and Remus.

“Oh, hello Deceit.” Whoever this Side was walked up to Deceit and stuck out his hand. His smile and tone a blend of Remus’s maniacalness and Roman’s sass.

“We’ve never met like this, my name is King Mars, glad to meet you!” 

“Whoa!”

Deceit was pulled of balance by King Mars’s grip. He tried to catch himself, but Mars was faster, righting Deceit again before he knew what happened.

“Sorry about that! Being two different people can make you forget your own strength, huh?” Mars scratched behind his ear under his crown, bashful and embarrassed.

“Wait, so you- And then- Why?” Deceit spluttered as Remu- King Mars studied him.

“Deceit, don’t you get it? You know we’re both Creativity! Though I do get you don’t know why.”

Mars paused before he explained further. 

“Virgil was scared and he was so afraid of being hurt by his nightmares and his secret that he caused Thomas to spilt us into two people, but we understand it wasn’t his intention.”

Deceit was still unsure of this ‘King Mars’ but he nodded at him and squeaked “Oh! Ok…”

“Speaking of Virgil, is he okay? I’m glad no one here hurt him, but he looks, different somehow?”

King Mars approached where Logan was clutching Virgil in his arms, looking at Virgil’s form concerned.

“Does he seem way to relaxed to y’all as well?”

Logan pursed his lips and nodded slightly. Everyone silently nodded in succession after Logan.

“That’s not good.” Mars looked afraid that Virgil would shatter in Logan arms as he placed a hand on Virgil.

“I know, I think as you- _Remus_ said, that entity had to have been a burden on him. I think his form is now trying to cope with this change. However, I definitely don’t think this is permanent.”

Logan glanced at all his friends, searching for what to say to reassure them.

“All we can do is wait, give him love as he needs until he is able to wake up. Meanwhile, we can make our home as welcoming as we can for when he does.”

Everyone was in agreement.

Whenever Virgil recovered, they would all be there with open arms.

Virgil just had to wake up now.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil... awakens

Virgil floated in blissful peace as his body relaxed.

He felt so free.

Faint voices floated in and out, thankfully all were soft and had no harshness in them, a part of Virgil was glad his friends weren’t fighting as he drifted.

Virgil didn’t know when, but he fell asleep.

When his eyes opened up again, an unfamiliar color outfit was pressed against his face.

_Who is this? It doesn’t feel like anyone familiar, but also feels like I haven’t touched this person in a long time…_

Virgil decided to cautiously hug this new Side, he felt safe in their arms but also wanted to make sure they meant this touch.

Once Virgil’s hands came up to his hugger’s back, they reacted in surprise and pulled back to look into Virgil’s eyes. Their expression changed from concern to elation as Virgil met their eyes. 

Virgil tried to pull back from their grasp, but this Side’s light grasp was somehow rock solid and immovable. Before Virgil could take in who they were, they jumped up and ran up to their bedroom hallway.

An unfamiliar voice from this new Side came muffled from upstairs, “Everyone, our Sleeping Beauty is awake!”

Sounds of shuffling from upstairs were heard as this new Side ran back down to Virgil. 

Virgil took in their appearance.

_They look like Roman, but they have a crown and Princey would never wear such a dark color. Wait, do they have mustache shadow? Who is this?_

“Virgil!” Patton’s squeal could be heard from where Virgil sat.

From behind this Roman and Remus lookalike came Logan, Patton and Deceit?from upstairs.

“Virgil, you’re awake!”

“You better bud?”

“Are you done sleeping Vee?”

His friends voices overlapped in concern over him and he didn’t realize he had been curling in on himself until Patton’s feather-light touch breezed across his head, pulling him from his overwhelmed thoughts.

He pulled his head from his chest and looked up at Patton, Patton’s smile a comforting but apologetic smile that melted whatever tension Virgil had from being overwhelmed.

_Patton, whatever am I going to with you?_

“We’re sorry stormcloud. I guess we got a little excited, you’re still trying to wake up and we came in sounding like hurricane.”

Patton bear hugged Virgil before slowly pulling back with a look of guilt and of embarrassment.

“It’s okay Pat, Logan, Dee, and- I’m confused…” Virgil shifted his gaze to Roma-this new side and faltered as his mind drew another blank on who this Side was.

“Who are you?”

“Oh, sorry Virgil I should’ve introduced myself! I am Creativity, …who Roman and Remus were before they split into 2 people.”

Creativity reached out his hand in a formal handshake as he introduced himself.

Virgil looked at Creativity’s outstretched hand a moment before reaching out his own to complete their handshake.

As before, his grasp was very firm, but not overpowering. Virgil was not resisting him this time, so his touch felt much more comforting than before.

When they released their hands, Virgil cocked his head as his mind was finally almost up to full speed from his rest.

“So, you’re a combination of Roman and Remus? What’s… what’s your name? It can’t be Roman or Remus, that would be too unoriginal for you.”

Creativity smacked his head as realization crossed his face, “Dang it! Knew I was forgetting something.” 

Creativity lowered his hand from his forehead and bowed for Virgil. “I am Mars! King Mars to be exact! I am Thomas’s unadulterated creativity and ruler of Thomas’s imagination!”

Mars’s voice was as solid and melodic as before, but was also much quieter than it had been before, perfectly balanced. 

Virgil wondered how Mars managed to be so perfect.

_UM. Where did that thought come from?_

“Um, so…” 

Virgil trailed off as something nagged his concern. He tried swallowing but his throat was dry, way too dry.

“Wait, how long have I been out? I feel like I haven’t moved all day…”

Everyone’s shoulders and faces dropped as he said that, and a silence permeated their room.

Logan broke their silence.

“Virgil, you’ve been asleep for 2 weeks.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil reacts to sleeping for 2 weeks.

Virgil stumbled back as his mind tried to grasp was Logan said, swirling into a spiral of anxiety. 

_Two weeks! _ _TWO WEEKS? _

_Is Thomas okay? _

_Did he do something dangerous? _

_Is he injured? _

_Have I failed him? _

_Do they hate me for leaving them for so long and making them worry? _

_NononOnOnNONOnononoNO!_

He distantly felt a pair of hands grab his wrists.

“Woah! Vee, buddy! It’s okay! Thomas is fine, look!” 

“Oh, Virgil’s awake! Wait, what’s wrong Virge?” 

A familiar voice filtered through his spiral and snapped him back to reality, but he didn’t stop crying. Virgil looked up at Thomas, who looked very blurry for some reason.

When did he start crying?

“D-do-o y-o-ou ha-ate m-me n-now? I-I was as-sleep f-fo-for s-so long, y-ou m-must ha-ate me-e fo-or ma-king you w-w-wor-rry!” He stuttered through his sobs that had taken over his body. 

Virgil ducked his head and curled up as he awaited his friends condemnation.

“Virgil, where would you get an idea like that? How could we hate you when you make me who I am?” 

Virgil felt a swell of bittersweet hope flow through him as he whipped his head up to meet Thomas’s eyes.

“Y-you’re n-not mad?”

“Why would I be, silly?” Thomas’s smile was so much like Patton’s, but also was so much like _Thomas_. 

“Because I made you worry for so long…” Virgil looked down away from Thomas’s eyes. 

“I would rather be able to worry about you than lose you and not be able to care! You’ve got to work on believing in yourself, everyone’s here to support and help you, it would be ludicrous to be mad at you!” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” 

Virgil looked slowly up at all his friends. Their love for him was now what he could see in their eyes, how had he not seen that before?

He slowly raised his arms and his friends surged into his open arms, careful not to hurt Virgil as they gave Virgil a 360 degree bear hug.

It was so warm, he let himself melt in their arms, no hunger in sight.

He started crying again, but this time they were happy tears. 

“Thank you guys… I’m so sorry I made you wait so long. Oh! I never asked… why is Mars one Side again? Did Roman and Remus finally figure out how to become one Side again?” 

Mars pulled back from their hug and looked weirdly nervous. “Um… I fused back together right after you confessed… I… um… I think when you first encountered nightmares about your secret, you unintentionally split us through Thomas?”

“Oh…”Virgil didn’t want to upset his friends more, but even though Not Him was gone his thoughts still drifted towards his friends hating him. 

“Are you good?” Mars was looking at him with a cautious nervousness, like Virgil was one who could judge Mars. No, Virgil wouldn’t allow that to ever be a thought in any of his friends minds, they loved him so much and he knew that. 

“Yeah! I’m… I’m sorry for being why you split up… Are you mad at me for splitting you?” 

“No. I do like being myself, but I see what my two halfs created when I was separated, and wouldn’t wish anything different. But, just because I’ve fused back doesn’t mean I’ll be like this forever. I can split again if needed, but I serve every function Roman and Remus serve. Whenever I am willing to separate, they will be too.” 

Mars shifted from foot to foot as he spoke.

Virgil pulled Mars back into his friends’ bear hug and held tight.


	28. Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All's well that ends well.
> 
> Also Final chapter is here, I'm sad to see it, but happy with the happy ending.

“Virgil, breakfast is ready!”

Patton’s voice came muffled from downstairs.

Virgil was just finishing up his new eyeshadow as Patton called, he had everything but his shoes on now.

“Coming!” Virgil called out loud enough for Patton to hear his response.

Virgil slipped on his new shoes, hopping towards his door as he pulled them on. He opened his door and went downstairs to eat breakfast.

When he approached his plate, Patton caught sight of him and exclaimed, “Virge! You look so good!”

“Thanks!”

Virgil had exchanged his usual hoodie for a similarly purple plaid flannel, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Under his flannel was a purple t-shirt that Jack Skellington’s face on it. 

Instead of his sneakers he had lace up black combat boots that reached half way up to his knee and over his ripped jeans. His hair was pushed back slightly out of his face. 

His eyeshadow was now more stylish, an accentuating feature instead of an edgy coverup of his features. His nails were painted black. He even had a spider bite piercing on his right lip. 

Mars looked up from where he was eating and lit up “Virgil! Sparrow, you look stunning!”

“Thanks, Mars…” Virgil looked away embarrassed that everyone was looking at him, fidgeting under their attention.

Virgil sat down and started to eat.

“You know you don’t have to actually eat now that we know about your touch starvation.” Virgil looked up mid bite at Logan who was gazing at him from their kitchen.

Maybe it was how far away Lo was but, was he blushing?

“Lo, nothing beats Pat’s cooking! Why would I pass up having loving meals that taste like heaven?! And don’t let me forget that you assist in making our meals, so they’re also _your_ meals.” Virgil teased.

Patton beamed at Virgil as Logan coughed and sat down at their table, that imperceptible blush still coloring his face.

“Thank you, storm cloud!” Patton bounded up to Virgil and ruffled Virgil hair.

“Pat! Stop! You’re messing my hair up. I actually put effort into my hair today!” Virgil leaned away from Pat’s touch playfully, but still allowed Patton to touch him as that’s how Patton was showing his affection.

“You’re definitely _not_ rocking that look, Virgil.” Deceit voice spoke up from their couch with a plate in his hand.

For a second time today, Virgil became very self-conscious of everyone looking at him. 

Instead of backing down in embarrassment, Virgil decided to power through and throw it right back at Deceit.

“Deceit, why are you eating on our couch? We have room for you at our table! Or I am rocking this look so hard you can’t get 5 feet near me or you’ll burst into flames?”

“Um…uh…maybe?” Deceit spluttered, a very rare thing to see Deceit at a loss for words.

Virgil shook his head and gestured to Deceit. “Get over here you dork, you’re Thomas’s Side, you deserve a seat at Thomas’s table.”

Deceit haltingly got up from Thomas’s couch and sat at a seat pulled up for him by Mars.

“Thank you, _Ares_.” 

“I love you too, Dee.” Mars smiled at Deceit with a knowing smile.

Deceit's face morphed into shock before he buried his face in his hat, too flustered to come out from under it save from eating his meal.

Once Virgil was done eating he rounded up everyone’s plates and put them in Thomas’s kitchen sink.

When he went back into Thomas’s living room, everyone had apparently pilled onto Thomas’s couch and had saved a seat for Virgil, right at it’s end.

Virgil scanned his friends as they sat on Thomas’s couch.

Deceit’s face was still buried in his hat. Mars had his arms outstretched behind Deceit and Logan next to him. Logan was lazily reading a book, but was a little less focused on it than usual (Now why could that be?). Patton was last before Virgil’s open spot and patted it with his right hand, nodding at Virgil.

Virgil plopped down in Patton’s lap and his legs dangled off Thomas’s couch.

Virgil smiled, something he hoped he would get used to doing.

“I love you guys.”


End file.
